Sarah Taylor's road back to happiness

NICK FRIEND: Taylor ended her England career in September 2019, citing a battle with anxiety. Now, she is enjoying working at a school and is involved in setting up a mental health platform with Sussex; she will never rule out a return to cricket

A few weeks ago, a blue cap arrived in the post at Sarah Taylor’s home, sent by the ICC to commemorate her inclusion in their ODI team of the decade. It was a reminder of a different time, of her accomplishments in a past chapter.

Fifteen months previously, the former England wicketkeeper announced her retirement from international cricket, citing her battle with anxiety and mental health. By then, she had spoken openly about how she struggled with the constant stream of fanfare and adulation that came her way; famously, Adam Gilchrist lauded her as the best in the world – female or male.

“Because of my social anxiety, I just wanted to do my job and then go,” she tells The Cricketer, looking back. “It’s what I was paid to do, and I wanted to smash glass ceilings, but I didn’t want the recognition for it.”

On January 6, however, she posted a photograph on social media of the emblazoned headwear, but only once the memento had been in her possession for a few days; she delayed its public unveiling until the time was right – because first, she wanted to savour the moment. “Actually, what I’ve done over the last 10 years is quite amazing,” says Taylor, as though in the past she might have struggled to afford herself that credit. “At some point, you have to stop and realise that you did all right actually.”

As a short anecdote, it is a symbol of how far she has come since ending her England career. “I’ve enjoyed the recognition for that,” she admits, “whereas before I probably wouldn’t have.”

Ellyse Perry was a deserving winner of the overall women’s award as the leading player of the last 10 years, Taylor adds, but she can sense a change within herself from her reaction to being honoured. “I think for the first time, I was like: ‘I want that, it would be quite nice to have that.’ So, I can tell that I’m in a better place than I was.”

^{Sarah Taylor made her final appearance for England during the Women's Ashes in 2019}

Life has moved on since her final international appearance – the Test draw against Australia during the 2019 Women’s Ashes. She enjoys her work at Bede’s School, where she spent the first part of her formative years. “It’s a blessing,” she says. Elite sport and teaching demand very different skillsets, and this second career suits where she feels her mind is at.

“I think it was a nutritionist that we had who said she stopped playing hockey because she wanted to be the person behind the scenes helping,” Taylor recalls. “I always remembered that because I thought: ‘Oh my god, I think that’s me.’”

Her job is multifaceted: “I have a role across all sports, but I’ve also got a role in talking to the kids about my experiences and what I’ve been through and helping them through their situations – from all walks of life.”

And, crucially, it is not about her: “I wanted to do something and not get the recognition for it.” She describes its variety with an uplifting enthusiasm, explaining how her days can take her from coaching cricket to playing tennis with five-year-olds and standing in the middle of sodden, windy football pitches, telling pre-teens to run around.

“Life is very different at the minute, but that’s the thing I like about it,” she adds. “It’s not just cricket anymore, it’s a whole range of things.”

When it was “just cricket” is when Taylor came to struggle. “I found it really difficult to differentiate between Sarah Taylor, the cricketer, and Sarah Taylor, me,” she says. And so, to hear her discuss the subsequent shift is really quite heartening.

“To go from being the cricketer to Ms Taylor at school, it’s just humbling. It was so nice that I was taken at face value. For someone with social anxiety, you want people to take you at face value more. I didn’t want the expectation of: ‘She’s achieved X, Y and Z.’ I’m so proud of that, but actually it doesn’t define me. This is who I am. That’s what Bede’s brings.”

Extremely proud of getting this hat! Thank you @ICC 🏏🧢 pic.twitter.com/WKwC3ZzkSh

— Sarah Taylor (@Sarah_Taylor30) January 6, 2021

She is still learning to cope with the oddity of now being a colleague among some of her former teachers, calling them by their first name and venturing into a staffroom that was once the forbidden fruit as a student. “We’re on the same level now – it was quite empowering actually,” she laughs.

On one of the school walls, her England shirt hangs as a lasting souvenir of her greatness as a wicketkeeper-batsman, whose highlights reel transcended the women’s game. It is no exaggeration to suggest that Taylor may well remain this country’s best-known female cricketer, even as the sport moves on in her absence.

It is an increasingly long time since her most recent appearance of any kind – she didn’t play once in 2020. “I have not picked up a bat since my last game,” she adds – a win for Surrey Stars over Lancashire Thunder in the Kia Super League, a competition that no longer exists, more than 500 days ago. Even when she coaches at Bede’s, she arms herself only with “a ball, a mitt and a slinger”.

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Her kitbag is waiting at school, though. Before Covid-19 interrupted this latest term, Taylor was planning a long-awaited net. And it is impossible not to wonder what the future might still hold for one of the most naturally gifted cricketers ever produced by England. She has never officially retired from the domestic game, only the additional pressures of performing at international level.

“If someone asked me if I wanted to play again, I’d say I don’t know,” she explains. “Because I don’t know how that net’s going to go. But look, never say never.”

And if that net goes well? Then, it’s a win-win situation, Taylor smiles.

“If I play well and I then go: ‘I want to play,’ that’s a win. If I turn around and say: ‘I’ve played well but I don’t want to,’ it’s still a win. If it’s awful and I probably shouldn’t play, I’m not as concerned with the idea that: ‘Oh, I want to play cricket again.’

“I don’t feel like that is up there for me, especially not yet. It may be – give it a year. I went through a lot in cricket.”

^{Taylor is at the fore of an online mental health and wellbeing platform set up by Sussex (Credit: Alex Taylor)}

And so, any call she ultimately makes regarding a possible return will take into consideration the same issues that compelled her to step away for her own good. “I leave with my head held high,” she said at the time.

“I think my decision to stop playing was based on my attitude towards cricket and the difficulties that came with it,” she reflects. “The idea of playing cricket again, I have to weigh up whether it will be health-beneficial or not.

“I don’t ever want to rule out a game because I’ve cared for and loved it for so long, and it was all I knew at one point. I will never say never to playing again – whether it be in The Hundred or a women’s domestic competition or whether it just be in club cricket down the road, I’ve got no idea.

“The movements that women’s cricket have made financially and domestically are amazing, but do I want that pressure again? I don’t know. Especially if I don’t know how I’m going to hit the ball. Honestly, I’m very much in the mode at the minute of: let me just have a hit and then I’ll make my mind up.”

At the moment, she is enjoying watching her friends and former teammates as “their biggest fan”. She adds: “There’s no doubt in my mind that if they were playing at Hove, I would be there straight away.”

"If someone asked me if I wanted to play again, I'd say I don't know"

And it is through Sussex, the county of her life, that this conversation is taking place. With Taylor to the fore, they have become the first professional sports club in the world to launch their own bespoke online mental health platform, targeting the local community.

Developed with help from the Sussex Partnership NHS Foundation Trust, at its heart is a library of videos, featuring testimony from a range of people involved with Sussex Cricket around the subjects of mental health and wellbeing.

For Taylor, the value of the website is in its accessibility; contact details for support mechanisms are listed alongside each vox-pop to ease the process of reaching out for anyone in need.

“I think for someone who’s struggling, sometimes it’s hard not necessarily to make the jump yourself, but actually to look up things online,” she explains. “Sometimes, that’s quite hard. So, to be able to click on a subject and for it all to be there for you in your local area as well, that’s huge. It’s just trying to take as much of the stress away from that person that they’re probably already feeling anyway.”

And having been in that position herself, she hopes the breadth of contributors talking openly about their own battles can reinforce an important message: no one is on their own in going through this.

“I felt so alone back then that I probably didn’t realise that I was going through a normal situation that actually a lot of people go through. I was very secluded in that,” she admits.

“But actually, the fact that there are so many videos on the hub just shows it’s completely normal and okay to go through those things. I didn’t realise it was okay; I thought I was weak, I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought all the worst things you could possibly think.

“So, to know that there are thousands of people out there – that you can access and you can tap in to see their videos and hear their stories – that’s huge for me.

“You go through some dark times, and anyone will. That’s probably the best thing about this hub – that you realise that.”

^{Taylor's most recent appearance of any kind came in the 2019 Kia Super League}

It comes at a time when mental health problems have been exasperated by the impact of the coronavirus pandemic. According to data provided by the Office of National Statistics in June, one in five adults are experiencing some form of depression – more than double the pre-Covid figure.

Taylor wonders how she might have coped with the limitations put in place by the national lockdown had these circumstances come to pass during her lowest ebb. “I probably wouldn’t have dealt with it very well,” she reflects. “Although I have social anxiety, I need that social energy from people.”

Instead, in the last year she has centred her attention on committing to a routine, having been given the idea by a friend. It might sound basic but a hardened focus on fulfilling normal day-to-day activities has provided “a little bit of purpose when things had very much ground to a halt”.

“I get up at a certain time, have breakfast, go for a walk for at least an hour or do something that’s going to take my mind of things, come back and make lunch,” she says. Eating well, too, has helped her along the way. “When I’m eating sluggishly, I feel sluggish, which is not good for me. Sometimes, I’ll test that and say: ‘I could have a McDonalds,’ and then I’d see that actually it’s not good for me.”

"I didn't see myself living a life where I'm comfortable and happy, but I'm there now"

Taylor explains all this for a reason – for the same motivation that has led her to support Sussex’s worthy cause. There is a sense of ownership in her journey: a pride in the place she has reached and an understanding that talking through those experiences might help others.

“I didn’t see myself living a life where I’m comfortable and happy, but I’m there now,” she smiles after an initial pause.

“Life has gone full circle, and this is the story that you want to get across because there will be some awful, horrendous times or moments, but actually you can come out of it.

“There is light at the end of the tunnel. It took for me, unfortunately, to walk away from something that I did love to be able to achieve that, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make because I wanted to be happy.”